Young And Naive
I hate to admit, that there was a time in my life when I believed that everybody has a good heart. That everyone has no bad bone, until they finally do something inhumane to me. Although since I was very young, I have always been pretty selective of whose company I keep. Yet, I remained a friend to everyone else still. I was open, accepting, and I rarely judge people. Also, I do not take the words of others to define someone that I barely know. I had to get to know them for myself. And yes, it was a risk that I took. And if the friendship will not work out, I just move on. I had so many friends that losing some, didn’t bother me much. As long as I have been a good friend to them, I will live my life okay when we separate ways. Regardless of the harm or hurt one has inflicted upon me. I forgive and forget.
I also hate to admit the fact that as the years went by, I became calculating. I started paying attention to energies and vibes more. And if something is off about someone, I immediately keep my distance. I’ve been practicing social distancing before it became a thing now. I became overprotective of myself and lived in a bubble, away from all the distractions and possible destructions that could come my way by association. I focused on myself and what I wanted to do, giving less thought on everybody else around me. And losing friends this time was not only by choice, people started distancing themselves at the same time. I guess, they also have their own reasons. I’m not perfect, and so were they.
Then out of nowhere, I started having a really short fuse. I used to be a very patient and carefree person, but I have somehow found myself turning into a monster. Instead of just becoming defensive, I started attacking as well. I never backed down. And I don’t stay silent about any kind of injustice. I will speak for myself and others if I see that they are being abused by anyone. I became a warrior, ready for any battle, anywhere at anytime. And even at rest, I’ve been displaying a bitch face. Excuse my French. I can’t believe that I’ve allowed hate and anger to consume me and define me. Was not only losing friends, but making a lot of enemies. I did not forgive, nor did I forget.
I have so many realizations lately. Guess, I am growing old. I can’t deny it anymore. These opened eyes saw opened wounds inside of me. They will never close up by themselves. I needed to choose to heal. And in my road to healing, I miss my old self. Very much. I’ve asked myself why I have allowed other people to define who I am today. No, I am not blaming anyone. What I mean is, I cannot control how people will act around me. But I could control my own responses and behavior. How could I let bad experiences create a person inside of me that I did not want to be? Nor choose to be. And my only answer is that, I’ve allowed it and so I can also disallow it. And that time is now.
Today, like what I have told a friend during a conversation, I will choose:
more acceptance, less judgment.
more compassion, less anger
more love, less hate
more good vibes, less bad ones
and more fun, less drama
I should start adding more positive (+) values to my life, and subtracting the negative (-) ones. I will start looking at things in equal footing. Balancing, and weighing which loads to keep and which ones to drop. I don’t need to carry the weight of the world on my face. So I will start smiling more, and frowning less. And maybe strangers will become friends again.