The Irony of a Painful Healing Process
What I am about to share today, is from my own experiences.
My healing process has been painful. Why? Because it requires me to go back to what has hurt me. It makes me feel the anguish and frustration, that my bad experiences has brought, all over again.
I do not expect people to understand. Most especially those that have not experienced abuse in their lives. Most especially those who has not seen the pain of physical and verbal torment through a child’s eyes. You will never understand if you did not grow up living it day by day. And God bless you for having a wonderful childhood. I sincerely mean that. I will certainly never wish an abusive home on anyone.
Dear Parents, if it is possible not to let your children witness your verbal spats and physical outbursts with each other, please spare them. You cannot expect a child to just accept things and behave like adults while you act like children. And for couples, before you decide to bring up a family of your own, at least be ready for good parenting.
I don’t believe in perfect parenting, there is no such thing.
Most especially if you became one at such an early age. It must have been tough. And yeah, the sleepless nights. And postpartum depression, for some. I can’t even imagine myself as a parent. Thanking God that I never got pregnant up to now. I am honestly not sure if I am ready, or capable of being a parent myself. I’d rather not be one if I am unsure.
I will not go into details. I don’t want to hurt my family. And I’ve forgiven them already. But I’ve learned to be strong at such an early age. To rely on myself and to do whatever is necessary to make my life worthwhile. I thought I was okay, all those years. I had a very happy teenage and college life. Even a few years after that. I partied and laughed so much. I had a good run.
However, there’s the conscious and there is the subconscious.
And once life gets really tough on you, all of the fears and traumas will haunt you. And any similar situation or feeling will make you act up. It took me a while to recognize my reactions. I did not see the pattern right away. Because I thought I was okay, and had a great coping mechanism.
Again, this is not a generalization. This is my own account.
This is not your usual inspirational and positive talk.
This is me saying that I am not always okay. I am not always strong. Not always logical. I am not always on top of my game. And there are times that I question my existence and that I also want to give up on life in general.
What I am grateful about is that, those feelings and thoughts are momentary. They have got to be. Some fights, or most battles in life, we have to do on our own. A test of faith, a test of strength, a test of character. We sometimes fight with our own thoughts, own feelings, own anxiety, own sadness, and own demons. Just keep fighting, even if it gets exhausting. Cleanse your heart by crying your eyes out. Let your tears wash away every hurt, pain, worry, and suffering.
My healing process has taught me how to pray harder.
I have been angry at God. I have already asked Him, why me? How I wish I was like Job, who can accept every good and bad experience with grace. Yes, I even fight with God at times. There has been times that I felt so alone, because even He is not talking to me. There were times that I couldn’t feel His presence. And those were the darkest times of my life.
God talked to me today and has given me the following messages:
- Pray with humility. He has broken me down to the core, because an independent person like me can have pride as my greatest sin. It’s the very thing that I hold on to, because I have always believed that it is what makes me strong.
- That He is fighting with me, even on those days that I can’t feel or hear Him. And that I should never stop calling unto Him. Those are the times that I’ll be needing Him the most.
- That my struggles here on Earth are part of the life that I am living. He wants me to look forward to a better world after this life. As of now, I am not ready to go yet. I have a lot of cleansing to do with my soul first.
- And He wants me to pray for any or all reasons. Pray when I am happy. Pray whenever I am sad. Pray when I am hurt. Pray when I have hurt somebody else. Pray when I need healing. Pray when I am blessed. Pray when I am struggling. Pray in victory. Pray in failure. Pray every day.
The answer to a painful healing process, is a prayerful life.
Prayer is my reflection. Prayer is my counsel. Prayer is my retreat. Prayer is my cleansing. And prayer is my daily meditation.
Today, I send my healing prayers for every one. Whatever it is that you are going through. Also, please allow me to pray for you. You may leave a prayer request on the comment section below.
Note: I am not painting myself as perfect, holy, and pure. I am still a sinner, and I am still struggling with my real weaknesses as a person. Praying that I’ll be able to fight off every unholy and impure thoughts and actions against myself and against anyone else.